Apparently, avoiding my blog = avoiding my fitness goals. My yoga has been half hearted until yesterday it became nonexistant. Yup, broke the fitness goal already, well actually I don't much care if I didn't do it yesterday. Turning a blind eye to it will allow me to continue with the goal; one thing I have learned is that I am the only one who cares if I accomplish my goals or not, so I break no rules by picking it back up today and moving forward.
My 100 days of yoga goal needs a slight ammendment added to it. 30 minutes or more of yoga a day for 100 days. There, it is now published and must be followed. I think doing any less then 30 minutes does not yeild the benefits that I want from yoga. Strength and endurance needs to be puvularized into a liquid then shot into my arm. Thus 10 minutes of lazy yoga poses just will not do.
I wanted to get this goal into full swing before I even attempted to try a new "diet". But I have been slowly absorbing this intuitive eating concept. The process seems to be eat what you want when your body needs it in a mindful way. Hmmm. Let's just say that for some reason I can't get this method down. I have the "eat what you want" part down pat...but the whole "mindful and when my body needs it" parts are like mists in the night. I can see it, but when I reach for it I just get a handful of nothing.
I have been unconsciously heading the right direction though. Twofitchicks tell me to eat without judgement for awhile and feel how my body and emotions react to the foods I eat right now without changing anything yet. So I would like to take this time to express some of the "feelings" I have experienced over the last week.
It was freeing at the beginning of the week, being able to not worry over what I was going to eat. Needless to say I went on a poptart splurge for breakfast and snacks. I ate fast food, cookies, whatever I pleased, whenever I pleased. At first I didn't feel so bad. No acid reflux until about Thursday and that's when my body started hurting. My knees hurt more than usual, which I later believe was the ill effects of gorging on sugar. I had a lot of headaches (a least one everyday), but I am not sure if they were from the weather or crappy eating habits. My cravings for soda and (most unfortunately) cigarettes came on at least once a day.
I have always known that there was some sort of connection with my obsessions with cigarettes and eating. But I just assumed it was merely my need to consume. Turns out they are linked through my lack of self control. This, I have always unconiously known. I always knew that I could never lose weight and keep it off while I was still smoking. It's like because I am overindulging with food my ability to fend off the desire to smoke is weakened. After this realization, I began to ponder on all other aspects of my life that lack self control. Picturing myself with the will and strength to control my unhealthy impulses filled me with a great sense of peace. Peace. Peaceful eating, peaceful living. God can give me that peace. I need to turn to Him during intense times of craving. He helped me through the cigarette cravings; He will help me through the food cravings.
Another noteable feeling is that I LOVE living on a moderately filled stomach. So much of my life has been lived on a thoroughly stuffed, overly bulging, verge of puking belly. Something in me has to be filled to overcapicity or else I feel uneasy, like I gotta do something more, I am not done yet. And if the food sits on a plate in front of me or the bag isn't empty of its deliciousness it drives me to distraction. My eyes and thoughts are continually drawn to the food staring me in the face. I just want to yell at it "WHAT! What do you want from me?! Why are looking at me with those chocolately or salty or creamy eyes!?" I want to not care about food or being filled so much that an entire plate of yummies can be set infront of me and I don't feel the need or desire to eat a thing.
Why do I think about food so much? Why do I have to be so overflowing with fat, sugars, carbs, and everything else lying around me that can be chewed up and swallowed? Why do I long to be filled so much? Why can't I feel emotionally and physically satisfied without stuffing myself with food or drink?
I pray Lord that You fill me with your love and point my thoughts to You instead of food.
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