Bleh

I feel like some serious poocockacheese today.  Had a bit of a rant in the car which helped some.  Went to my amazing yoga class which helped some.  But still I sit here with a spoon full of chocolate frosting in my mouth as I type this watching episode after episode of my laughter therapy The Office.  I am in total self loathing mode.  I pretty much hate myself today.  Every thought I have turns immediately into how I suck.  Looking through my facebook reading my friends' posts depressed me because I haven't written them enough, I can't go to the bathroom at work without mentally degrading myself as I walk past the mirror, I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere because I might run into someone and they will see how fat I've gotten, and as I write this I can't hardly write a word without criticizing how lame of a writer I am.  Plus I can barely write this because I am so lazy and will give up before I have said all I need to.

I hate me for being fat, lazy, stupid, and angry.  Then I get depressed and eat which makes me fat, lazy, stupid, angry, etc.  It is a horrible cycle that I cannot break.  I am disgusted with the way I look, act, and feel.  I imagine the woman that I want to be and then I hate myself for not being that way. 

These feelings can take a flying leap off the depression train for all I care.  I am sooooo tired of my immature ridiculous self loathing.  Lord Jesus help me!

I want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a month.  I wish I were a 100 lbs thinner.  I wish I were a 100 lbs thinner.  I wish I were a 100 lbs thinner.  Maybe that will help, if only I had some ruby slippers to click together, except they probably wouldn't fit.  It is the wish of my very soul, the desire of heart, it fills my thoughts about 70% of the day!