It's a Beautiful Day in the Grrrrrrrr!

What should have been a most relaxing, enjoyable day was interrupted by my own self loathing.  There I was on the first cool day of season.  Autumn fragranced the breeze and the sun shone in the clear blue sky.  I found myself lounging on a blanket in Forest Park, a pond in my field of vision, enough shade to keep the temp down, and Oscar Wilde enlightening me with his wit and charm.  So content feeling and proud that I chose to come the park so that I could couple my study time with my workout time.  For I had to hike quite a ways to find THE perfect spot to read "The Importance of Being Earnest".  With literature atmosphere is everything!  And when I grew tired of lounging I could stroll through the Art Museum or down the bike path.  "Look at me" I thought "being an active person."  My usual activity consists of walking to the bathroom so this was a dream come true.  I was being THAT chick.  The active chick that I see or hear about who bikes through parks, visits museums, and does not carry a bit of food or cigarettes with her.  She is free of such desires, activity is her stimuli!  *sigh* 

I sat for an hour.  Then I left.

I had gone all that way and there has never been such a beautiful day.  My body!  It couldn't handle it.  For once it wasn't my self conscious internal dialogue that sent me scurrying from something I enjoy.  I was even fine with flopping around on the blanket like a fat fish expelled from the pond.  My feet ached horribly, my butt and thighs were sore from sitting on the ground, my neck and back shot with pain from my atroscious posture.  I desperately wanted to stay.  I wanted to go for a jog, rent a bike, and use a row boat for the first time.  I wanted to tramp around the park watching the people and dipping my feet into the various cool fountains about the place.  I wanted to explore areas of the park I have never seen before, and possibly find new spots to relax and study at.  But no.  I am trapped, trapped in this fat suit of nastiness with not even an ounce of muscle to hold up my heavy belly while I sit on the ground to read. 

This is too much.  I can't even do the things that make me happy and feel fit?!  Grrrrrrrrrrr, etc.  The whole "pleasurable" experience was so tiring, I felt like an old lady all stiff and limpy on my way back to the car.  The fitter people of the world jogging, biking, strolling hand in hand past me made me envious of those seemingly simple pleasures others experience with ease.

In essence, I was debbiedowner while beauty, happiness, and flippin tweeting birds were abundant.  So I threw up my hands and porked out on greek food, chocolate, AND whatever I could find lying about the house.  How do I stop this behavior?  Lord, I need the strength to break through these addictions and these horrible behavoirs.

I need to do more yoga!!!