Is it completely ridiculous to think that if I had some sort of surgery to lose weight that I could keep it off?  I said it was when my dad and best friend got gastro and the band.  They both lost about 70-80 lbs then have slowly been gaining it back.  Why?  Because they never learned to control their behaviors with food.  They were the same and only their bodies changed.  Well their bodies weren't the problems it was their obsession with food.  And here I sit thinking that I would be different then they were.  That if I had the surgery I would have so much energy to live more actively and the weight loss would encourage me to eat better.  Lies, most likely.  The lies that people tell themselves to feel ok about having the surgeries.  I don't even have the money to do it anyway.  I just want a quick fix because I can't figure out why I can't stop eating and not exercising. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  Just needed to scream about it.  I hate the way I look.  I look haggard, ugly, even my hair looks gross today.  I am not a fan of these days because feeling like this just puts me in a really bad mood and I get very self conscience and can't enjoy a thing, except for food and sleep.  Lord pull me from the ridiculous bed of selfhatred I have made for myself.  Show me how to lose weight smartly, healthily and in a way that eliminates that power that food has over me.  Please, I am slowly sinking into a very bad place.

Bleh

I feel like some serious poocockacheese today.  Had a bit of a rant in the car which helped some.  Went to my amazing yoga class which helped some.  But still I sit here with a spoon full of chocolate frosting in my mouth as I type this watching episode after episode of my laughter therapy The Office.  I am in total self loathing mode.  I pretty much hate myself today.  Every thought I have turns immediately into how I suck.  Looking through my facebook reading my friends' posts depressed me because I haven't written them enough, I can't go to the bathroom at work without mentally degrading myself as I walk past the mirror, I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere because I might run into someone and they will see how fat I've gotten, and as I write this I can't hardly write a word without criticizing how lame of a writer I am.  Plus I can barely write this because I am so lazy and will give up before I have said all I need to.

I hate me for being fat, lazy, stupid, and angry.  Then I get depressed and eat which makes me fat, lazy, stupid, angry, etc.  It is a horrible cycle that I cannot break.  I am disgusted with the way I look, act, and feel.  I imagine the woman that I want to be and then I hate myself for not being that way. 

These feelings can take a flying leap off the depression train for all I care.  I am sooooo tired of my immature ridiculous self loathing.  Lord Jesus help me!

I want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a month.  I wish I were a 100 lbs thinner.  I wish I were a 100 lbs thinner.  I wish I were a 100 lbs thinner.  Maybe that will help, if only I had some ruby slippers to click together, except they probably wouldn't fit.  It is the wish of my very soul, the desire of heart, it fills my thoughts about 70% of the day! 

Intuitive, Inschmuative

Apparently, avoiding my blog = avoiding my fitness goals.  My yoga has been half hearted until yesterday it became nonexistant.  Yup, broke the fitness goal already, well actually I don't much care if I didn't do it yesterday.  Turning a blind eye to it will allow me to continue with the goal; one thing I have learned is that I am the only one who cares if I accomplish my goals or not, so I break no rules by picking it back up today and moving forward.

My 100 days of yoga goal needs a slight ammendment added to it.  30 minutes or more of yoga a day for 100 days.  There, it is now published and must be followed.  I think doing any less then 30 minutes does not yeild the benefits that I want from yoga.  Strength and endurance needs to be puvularized into a liquid then shot into my arm.  Thus 10 minutes of lazy yoga poses just will not do.

I wanted to get this goal into full swing before I even attempted to try a new "diet".  But I have been slowly absorbing this intuitive eating concept.  The process seems to be eat what you want when your body needs it in a mindful way.  Hmmm.  Let's just say that for some reason I can't get this method down.  I have the "eat what you want" part down pat...but the whole "mindful and when my body needs it" parts are like mists in the night.  I can see it, but when I reach for it I just get a handful of nothing. 

I have been unconsciously heading the right direction though.  Twofitchicks tell me to eat without judgement for awhile and feel how my body and emotions react to the foods I eat right now without changing anything yet.  So I would like to take this time to express some of the "feelings" I have experienced over the last week.

It was freeing at the beginning of the week, being able to not worry over what I was going to eat.  Needless to say I went on a poptart splurge for breakfast and snacks.  I ate fast food, cookies, whatever I pleased, whenever I pleased.  At first I didn't feel so bad.  No acid reflux until about Thursday and that's when my body started hurting.  My knees hurt more than usual, which I later believe was the ill effects of gorging on sugar.  I had a lot of headaches (a least one everyday), but I am not sure if they were from the weather or crappy eating habits.  My cravings for soda and (most unfortunately) cigarettes came on at least once a day. 

I have always known that there was some sort of connection with my obsessions with cigarettes and eating.  But I just assumed it was merely my need to consume.  Turns out they are linked through my lack of self control.  This, I have always unconiously known.  I always knew that I could never lose weight and keep it off while I was still smoking.  It's like because I am overindulging with food my ability to fend off the desire to smoke is weakened.  After this realization, I began to ponder on all other aspects of my life that lack self control.  Picturing myself with the will and strength to control my unhealthy impulses filled me with a great sense of peace.  Peace.  Peaceful eating, peaceful living.  God can give me that peace.  I need to turn to Him during intense times of craving.  He helped me through the cigarette cravings; He will help me through the food cravings. 

Another noteable feeling is that I LOVE living on a moderately filled stomach.  So much of my life has been lived on a thoroughly stuffed, overly bulging, verge of puking belly.  Something in me has to be filled to overcapicity or else I feel uneasy, like I gotta do something more, I am not done yet.  And if the food sits on a plate in front of me or the bag isn't empty of its deliciousness it drives me to distraction.  My eyes and thoughts are continually drawn to the food staring me in the face. I just want to yell at it "WHAT! What do you want from me?! Why are looking at me with those chocolately or salty or creamy eyes!?"  I want to not care about food or being filled so much that an entire plate of yummies can be set infront of me and I don't feel the need or desire to eat a thing.

Why do I think about food so much?  Why do I have to be so overflowing with fat, sugars, carbs, and everything else lying around me that can be chewed up and swallowed?  Why do I long to be filled so much?  Why can't I feel emotionally and physically satisfied without stuffing myself with food or drink? 

I pray Lord that You fill me with your love and point my thoughts to You instead of food. 

AND she did it, folks!

Cuz you always need a picture of Oscar

...the crowd goes wild or Wilde (whatever your tastes)!  I did my 3rd day of yoga last night just before I went to bed.  The you tube video of Yoga for Sleeping Better was my choice for the evening, which ended with a nice little relaxation time that sent me into the arms of Morpheus.  35 minutes total were logged into my soon to be yoga body.  Unfortunately my preteen yoga body is feeling its growing pains lately.  Both legs are sore and that crease where your leg meets your hip.  For crying out Pete! you'd think I was doing the splits or something.  But hopefully my limbs will jump back into shape after a week of yogaing. 

Today, I have my WONDERFUL yoga class.  I love it! except the whole having to stare at myself in the mirror part.  I really DO NOT think I look that way in my head.  I have grown substantially wider, which I blame on the fact that I am a short 5'3.  I guess I should be thankful that I am not 5'1 or else I wouldn't fit through doors.  Seriously though, it is odd how my brain thinks I am one way while the mirror (and pictures) tell me something completely different.  It makes me wonder what reality I should believe.  Hmmmm....

Yoga Day 2 & 3

Alrighty, Day 2 Yoga went well.  I dragged my lazy butt out of bed at 7:30 A.M. and did about 30 minutes of the Yoga for Sadness on you tube.

Tonight though,,,ugh.  Am I gonna give up this soon???  I will let you know tomorrow if the deed was done...the suspense is killing me, and I am getting more tired by the minute.

Yoga Day 1

I just finished my first yoga session!  Go Me!  (well someone has to say it).  I did 36ish minutes of the "Yoga for Sadness Relief" in my bedroom on my pink mat.  There were few casualities, one being my disgruntled kitty Sherlock who thinks that if I am on the floor then it must mean that I am there solely for his pleasure.  But after a few nudges off my mat he got the idea and continued to scowl at me during my entire yoga session.  Bad vibes Sherly! 

Also my, oh so comfty and large sleep shirt is not adequet when attempting the extending triangle pose.  Good thing I am alone or someone would have gotten blinded by my white, almost irridescently so, torso. (perhaps I should errect a sign for my door "Warning: Fat Girl Yogaing, Yogiing, Yogging"...what is the action verb form of doing yoga?  I think I shall use yogaing.  Thus I command it so seeing as it is soon to be published on said blog.  And we all know anything published online is gospel, and I know that is true cuz I read it on Wikipedia. 

Now from all the podcasts, magazines, and books I have been obsessively studying lately I have learned that when you do something healthy you stop and note how you feel so that next time you will remember "Hey that made me feel (insert positive reinforcement here)."  I appoligize before hand about the fact that it's about get real self helpy in a moment...

After doing yoga today I feel sweaty, shakey yet strongish, thirsty, and a bit headachey.  I emotionally feel proud that I did something healthy and began my goal.  All goals are made up of tiny goals along the way, and I did accomplish a tiny goal today, which (as Carla from 2fitchicksandamicrophone would say) has brought me closer to my goal. 

I have to wonder though, what is it that will keep me on this goal.  Should I tell others?  One thing I found out about myself is that I cannot announce my goals to others around me or else I will fail.  What is the crazy psychology behind that?  You would think that it would help me stay accountable right?  Nope.  Not me.  I have to do everything in a rather complicated fashion to make life...interesting.  The only way I got through the first month of not smoking is NOT TALKING ABOUT IT.  I just shut my mouth and did it. (which is probably the first advice that I ever got from my father when I was a child).  Surprise! I have a tendency to over analyze things, people, ideas, my cat, whatever is lying around really.  I blame it on over-educating myself.  English was probably the best or the worst (I haven't decided yet) subject for me to go into.  I am not good at the simple art of quiet obedience.

But! this is why I have created a blog.  So that my every feeling and emotion can reverberate through its pages (or posts rather) and I, in the land of flesh and blood, can sew my lips together and charge forth into the land of the fit.  All my pains, complaints, rampages, and successes recorded here.  AH HA!  Which means that I must rangle up some support online.  Thus I will go forthwith to my favorite podcast ladies and brag as they encourage bloggers to do.  2fitchicks here I come!

Prep time!

...having set a goal perhaps I should prepare for it.  I'm thinking100 peice paper linked together like we used to have to count down the days to Christmas in Kindergarten, always wanted an excuse to make one those again. 

Step 2:  Buy new yoga clothes!  I may even be so daring as to wear a sleeveless shirt...or not.

Step 3:  December 20th should be the 100th day if I start Sunday September 12th.

Step 4:  Do it!  Stop sitting on your butt or rolling over in the morning and sleeping in.

I want to change.  I want to be the active girl, able to jump, dance, play, and move about a room with ease.  Yoga will help me accomplish this. 

10 Minute yoga-Standing Poses

43 Minute Hatha Yoga-Easy Ground Work

37 Minutes Hatha Yoga-For Sadness

57 Minutes Hatha Yoga-Shoulder and Neck Pain (male instructor)

35 Minutes Hatha Yoga-For Better Sleep

5 Minute Yoga-Wake Up In Bed

6 Minute Yoga-Learn the Splits!

yoga links to make life more interesting